Turning 30, releasing my stranglehold on happiness

As I finish up my third decade of life and begin the fourth, I have become increasingly tense and anxious about all of the things I had planned to have accomplished or experienced by the age of 30 that have not yet happened. I have also been chasing after the elusive goal of "being happy." I've done pretty well at getting a lot of the externals that I associate with happiness in place. However, things don't add up - all of the good things in my life do not satisfy me. I psych myself up to do fun things and tell myself, "I WILL have fun today!" Funny thing is, you can't simply will happiness, no matter how hard you try.

In fact, as I have gradually been realizing, the harder I try to be happy, the more stressed, anxious and unhappy I become. Happiness is not like so many other things in life - it is not simply a matter of how hard you try or how skilled you are. Instead, it is something so sweet and delicate that if you concentrate too hard on it, it disappears. It's kind of like trying to see a dim star in the sky, if you stare directly at it you won't be able to see it, so you have to look off to the side just a little bit.

This became very frustrating for me. Happiness always seemed just around the corner, but not here yet. Then a dear friend of mine gave me a reality check. He told me, "When we over-think, it's a sign of how weak our faith is. Worrying means we don't trust God with our life." This is exactly what I have been doing. I have been over-thinking, trying to figure out the formula for happiness, and following it as best I could. I needed to stop gripping the existing blessings in my life with all of my strength. In holding onto them so tightly, it occupied all of my time and energy and didn't leave any room for anything else, including more blessings. 

The image that came to mind was sand in my palms. When you hold sand in the palm of your hand, it stays there as long as your hand is open and relaxed. When you close your hand and hold the sand tightly, it slips through your fingers. 

I have recently been refocusing myself on opening my hands, allowing myself to receive God's love. I do not need to worry about tomorrow, or yesterday. Only today. God will provide for me. The more I let go of my images of happiness, the happier I become. I trust that great things will happen in my life. 

Now, this isn't a lazy, let whatever happen to me type of letting go. It is an active trust. Some days it includes preparing for future possibilities and setting goals. Some days it does not. It is living life fully, one day at a time. It is not easy, but it is fulfilling. I have begun this process, and I'm sure I will still over-think things, but recognizing over-thinking for what it is helps me to relax and let go. It seems happiness rarely comes as the result of independence, it is instead the result of loving relationships, with others and with God.

Some thoughts on brokenness

I think I'm going to start updating this blog again. It's certainly been gathering some dust lately! We'll see how this sticks, my last post (3 years ago) I said the same thing!


I've been thinking a lot about brokenness lately. We all are broken, in one way or another. It is part of being human in a world full of suffering. No one likes to admit they are hurting though. We don't want to show weakness, we don't want to bother others with our problems, we don't want to be seen as a failure. But our weaknesses can also be our greatest strengths. Our brokenness allows us and compels us to depend on others to support us. We need community to thrive. If we never break down and have to depend on each other, we can continue on our merry path of self-sufficiency, not realizing the treasures of community that we are missing.

In my life, I have become exceedingly good at hiding my brokenness. I don't want to admit my struggles because I don't want to bother people with them, especially when so many people have struggles so much larger than my own. But in pretending life is worry-free, it helps no one. Other people see my life as perfect, or close to it, and wish they could be so carefree. Meanwhile, I stew on my faults and my fears in my own private darkness. I tell myself I don't want to bother people, but in reality I don't want to tarnish the image I have worked so hard to create. 

Now if you know me well and are thinking to yourself, "Whoa, what's going on? Is Claire okay?" Don't worry!! Life is GOOD. I have wonderful family and friends who love me, a good job, a great place to live, and FINALLY some stability in my life. Having all these externals in order is a wonderful blessing. Life is about growing, and I want to work on tearing down my elaborate blind I have been hiding behind. Because ultimately that blind is all about me, and sharing my brokenness is about me too, but is about the real me. I want to be the real me, not the "perfect" me.

So bear with me...this will be a journey. If this ends up to be a bunch of boring navel-gazing, so be it - please do not waste your time reading such stuff if it is and I apologize for inflicting it on anyone in advance. I hope instead that by sharing some of my struggles others will find solace that they are not alone, and that we can lift each other up instead of struggling along our individual paths of darkness.